Category Archives: MrJ

Eat The Pie

20140316-214607.jpg

I had an interesting conversation with a very close and dear friend this morning. She’s my moral barometer. When I do things that are negative I think how she would be disappointed, or what she would have done in the same situation.

She’s the friend who you aspire to be more like. Make you try to be a better person.

We were talking about the topic of topics in my life at the moment…..MrJ

I explained to her how I felt that the ‘I’m done’ text was beyond rude and out of character. And that I felt I must apologise.

I will do so because I believe all should be treated with respect even people who are not respectful.

As hard as it maybe to respect someone who upsets me my conscience demands that I treat people as well as I possibly can. My insomnia kicks in when I fail to do so.

We spoke about dating and wondered how many people find it difficult to make a choice.

Perhaps sites like Tinder and Blendr are akin to standing in an old fashioned sweet shop and looking at all the jars unable to decide. Simply spoilt for and overwhelmed by the choice. Until eventually you buy too many quarters of a variety of sweets.

Is our ability to focus and commit to a single person being eroded?

Replaced with a multiple of message based relationships with several people we want to sleep with or find a bit interesting.

These sites allow us to sit on our sofas, without even the need to make the effort of combing our hair, holding several titillating conversations at the same time. Do people constantly wonder if the grass is greener?

Are people waiting to see if someone better will swipe right?

Is the likes of Tinder creating a kind of ADHD of dating?

I’m not like that.

When I met MrJ I simply stopped swiping.

I chose him.

I focused and gave him the attention I felt he deserved. The chance to see if something fruitful could come of our interaction.

Doubtless there are many suitable guys but here was a great guy right in front of me. What’s left to be looking for as he sits across the table and expresses an interest in me too?

I reminded myself of my mantra number 4………….

The grass is always greener on the other side because someone has spread more shit on it.

So I called him this evening.

Voicemail.

Relief and disappointment all rolled into one.

Once again I’m reminded why I like this guy.

He has the funniest voicemail greeting I’ve ever heard.

I burst out laughing. The kind where you’re thankful you swallowed that mouthful of tea already!

By the time the tone goes I’m concentrating on stifling my laughter and I’ve forgotten everything I was going to say.

I couldn’t remember why I was vexed enough to want to stop communicating with him. It didn’t seem so important through the laughter.

Anyway my message ends up being a garbled and rushed apology. Not at all how it played out in my head!

But still, I can but hope that it is accepted. That he is not offended or pissed and that I have redeemed myself slightly.

And that, as they say, is all she wrote…………….

……..about MrJ.

(I hope he finds ‘the one he can’t wait to see again,’ soon)

Impatience and Appologies

As I lie here unable to sleep at 04.38 I realise that have done the unthinkable.

I’ve dumped someone by message. Even if the whole relationship with MrJ was by message. It’s still a shitty thing to do.

My biggest vice is impatience.

If I ask for something three times and it’s not done; I’m done.

This is what happened with MrJ.

My patience is akin to a rubber band; you can only pull it so far before it snaps back and cuts your fingers.

Now this happens rarely, mostly because there’s not much that I’m so passionate about that is out of my control.

Part of being able to sleep well at night is, for me, behaving as a decent human being and having a clear conscience.

It’s treating other people well and that is in my control.

So, despite no comment from MrJ and who can blame him as there was finality in my message, I owe him an apology.

I shall suck it up and give him a call. Apologise not so much for the content as for the delivery.

No one should ever be dumped (if we can call it that as it’s a question whether we were even dating) by SMS.

Week 7 Day 1 Repeat C25K

I’m a runner.

I can say that now.

I can say it because this last week of not running has been revealing. I’ve missed it. I’ve been irritable. I’ve wanted to run through the injury. I’ve even parted from a great guy! (Doh!)

I am a runner.

After my hiatus I stepped back onto the treadmill today to face the hardest of challenge of the whole eight week programme. (That’s what Tod Lang said into my ear)

The week went like this;

5 minutes brisk walk

12 minute run

3 minute brisk walk

12 minute run

3 minute run

12 minute run

5 minute brisk walk

This morning I tweeted this little morsel;

Time to get up and go for that run. Clears the mind and helps process the issues and reduces the buttage. Win-win.

I got up and was in the gym and on the treadmill by 08.10.

The first run was flawless. My breathing was great and I ran with a good steady pace and looking ahead.

I spent the first three minutes wondering how much steaks cost in Aldi (I can see the store form my treadmill). The rest of the run I made a mental list of people who might be up for doing the Tough Mudder next year as a team.

The second run was also a good one.  But I started to struggle when my thoughts changed. First five minutes I was pissed off by the guy to my left who stopped cycling on his stationary bike and just stared at my ass for the longest time. I think he forgot where he was. So rude!

Then my thoughts turned to MrJ, after a few minutes on him I realised I had started to run up on my toes. I shook it out but he kept creeping back. I had to watch my feet for a few minutes to find my rhythm and balance. In terms of stamina I was okay I was just mentally unfocused and this was messing with my form. So much for the clearing the mind part.

The final run was fine for the first 8 minutes after which I had to push myself through. MrJ disappeared from the forefront and I was all about getting through the last four minutes which seemed to go on for ever!

I had to yell at two minutes ‘2 left!’ just to remind myself that I was almost there.

All that really matters is that I made it! I ran a total of 36 minutes today which is pretty unbelievable!

I’m a mere 3 runs away for my first 30 minute run. This fact would have scared me two weeks ago but I’m looking forward to it. I just want to run for 30 minutes every other day forever!

Back to the Flame and the Bloody Fishes

I’m old fashioned.

There.

I’ve said it.

I was raised in a family where the men are the hunter gatherers, protectors of women and children, heavy bag carriers and garbage disposal machines. My Brothers build fires, chop wood, pay the bills, drive the cars and carry the suitcases.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not the little woman type. The women in our family are all educated, self-sufficient and can cut you the hell up with a sentence. But we are all full time workers, home makers, mothers and yet our men still open doors for us and carry our overnight bags.

In short we are wonder women.

Nigella Lawson in the Kitchen and Grace Jones in the bedroom types.

I like working. I love being a mother. I make my own bloody bread (less salt, less oil).

I still use the word courting!

This is, most probably, the reason why my internet dating exploits are so sparse.

I can not chase a man.

It goes against my core. The whole man/woman gender role thing still resonates with me. It’s not that I want to play games; it’s just that I expect to be asked out again by my date. I like a man who knows how to command a situation and sits at the head of the table.

I’ll repeat myself; I’m old school.

So here, at the end a month of getting to know MrJ, I politely bow out of the show.

So soon?

Yep so soon.

I figure if a man who I met for a first date hasn’t asked me out on a second, within a month, then he’s just not that into me (no I haven’t read the book nor seen the film).

Okay, why haven’t I asked him out? After all its 2014, equality and all that blah blah. Well as I said; I’m old fashioned yet despite that……………………………. I have asked him out.

If you don’t ask; you don’t get; if you ask and you don’t get – move on swiftly

(sagely advice from my dad)

S  e v e r a l  t i m e s.

Queue noncommittal noises.

I know myself and know that I really really like this guy and I’m really looking forward to seeing him again. With that in mind I’ve sucked it up and I’ve asked him out (something that doesn’t come easy to me) and got nowhere.

So clearly the eagerness is not reciprocated.

Now I could have waited, had a moan at him or lived in hope but I’m responsible for my own emotional happiness and safety. So I sent him a polite message (as we are yet to graduate to phone calls let alone Skype) explaining that whilst I really liked him it’s clear that I’m not the woman he ‘can’t wait to see again’ to use his own words and we should end things here before I become emotional involved.

At 45 (soon) I know what I want from life.

It is not a sms-message based relationship.

I’m not going to fall in love with someone via Viber or BBM or what’sapp. I’ll leave that to the teenagers. It’s not reflective of real day to day living in all its gory glory.

It’s not slipping your hand across someone’s back or resting your head on a shoulder. You can’t see the little gestures that set someone aside as special in your eyes, learn to live with the bits you don’t like.

Ultimately it’s not completely real.

However you can still get emotionally tangled via that route only to find it does not come together when you’re face to face. It so much easier to write than it is to stand in front of someone and speak.  Body language counts for so much to me.

There are many things I’d already like to do and experience with MrJ. Starting with the concert (I bought us tickets for one of my favorite artists in an amazing intimate venue), marathon movie days and all day Sunday lie-ins. Just average normal things to do that are more enjoyable when shared with someone you want to be around and to get to know better. I’ll be very disappointed to go to the concert without him but shouldn’t have any trouble acquiring an escort for the evening.

A month is all I can give to a message Ping-Pong relationship despite distance or commitments.

After all if, as a single mother working 40 hours a week, I can find the time or attempt make arrangements to see him; I can’t, for a moment, fathom why someone who works the same amount of hours could not reciprocate the gesture.

Now don’t get me wrong because I don’t want to hear one negative word about MrJ.

He is lovely, intelligent, well spoken, sexy and feisty. A great combination of all those things and very much the kind of guy I was looking for. I will certainly miss ‘chatting’ to him.

But the reality is…….

He’s just not that interested in me.

And I am no ones back up option.