Assumptions; the mother of all fuckups.
There’s no ring on my finger nor guy on my arms.
So this week has been an internet dating eye opener. I have discovered the weird and wonderful fish in the lake………………
Or maybe they have discovered me.
In my inbox was a wonderful lengthy essay from my self-appointed slave.
Oh yes ladies and gentlemen.
A slave has offered his complete and utter service to my needs. For no sexual exchange nor financial gain he is willing to run all my errands, do any DIY needed on my house, drive me where ever I need to go, fetch my shopping, do the gardening and perform any other services I require.
He promises utter devotion.
I cannot lie
This is sooooooo very tempting!
My house could use a fresh coat of paint and the garden needs pruning. I have a couple of floorboards (all original in my house) that need replacing and lots of wood that needs to be chopped.
Now I don’t know what’s in the lake water this week but I also received an email from a lovely confident looking fellow who is looking for someone;
Who insists on ruling her man and making him obey her strictly and be under firm control whenever she decides that is necessary and also he should be happy to serve her no matter what she demands. If you feel naturally confident and dominate then it would be nice to negotiate my surrender
This is a revelation people! I wonder do I look naturally domineering in my profile pictures?
I guess people see what they want to see.
This is the beauty of internet dating. Its much easier to put in writing, to a person that you may never need meet, your fantasies and needs.
You can be up front from the very beginning.
Okay WordPress luvvies I think I’m almost ready to give up on Internet dating but before I do I’m going to ask for your help.
Flame haired mixed raced voluptuous single forty-something Lady
Seeks a sane, educated, forty-something fairly attractive gentleman.
(Yes! this is my Internet dating WordPress add)
Let me start by answering the typical profile questions;
My Self Summary;
Hair; Red (via L’Oreal)
Height; 5’ 6’’
Body type; Curves and a big bumper
Religion; nothing organised, spiritual
Ethnicity; White/black African
I’m looking for a relationship but guess I’ll have to hang out with a few frogs before I find a prince. No problem, they say romance is dead; well I’m not sure who ‘they’ are so I’ll hold out for some as I have quite a bit left in me.
I’ve been single for (ahem cough-cough) for a while now. I’m happy but would like to find someone to share laughter, talk culture, discover new things and argue over the duet with.
What I’m doing with my life;
I’m currently working full time as a manufacturing planner. It’s demanding.
I’m a single mom to an 11 year old. I also have an older child, a graduate living independently, who comes round occasionally to raid my fridge and use extraordinary amounts of my shampoo.
I have a lovely (if small) group of cherished friends.
I’m really good at;
Throwing parties, dinners and barbecues. I have great organisational skills. I’m a good listener and I’m told I’m a really good friend. I’m the calm one in a real crisis but a bit of a screamer in situations where little spiders are involved.
(I’m hopeless at gardening, every plant Itouch dies……you have been warned! Also life is way too short to iron!)
Travelling. Spent 3 weeks in April 2013 travelling round Thailand with my 10 year old, Bangkok, Chiang Mai and some island hopping. Great fun!
Solitude. I like my own space to have quiet time to read and watch old movies in a massive hoodie and woolly socks from time to time.
Wood. I have an open fire. I’d like to have a handsome man wield the rotary saw and chop the wood for winter(I mean that; I mean come on it’s too much for a girl; plus I always leave it until it is actually winter!)
Writing. I’m a fledgling blogger. I write whatever comes to mind and my blog has no clear identity as yet. I just hope readers enjoy it. Oh and yes, I have unashamedly reached out to my blogging community to help me find a date, maybe more who knows!
Six things I could not live without;
What? Six is just not enough! The 10 things I could never do without are my family, conversation, iPhone, Lagos, sunshine, my friends, music, books, pounded yam, laughter!
I spend time thinking about;
I’m a bit curious so can often be thinking about whether I should take apart something to see how it works, what would happen if I put a peg on the cats tail, why are coco-pops being advertised at 21.19 at night; I mean who is the target market really? Would anyone notice if I never ironed a single thing ever again? How to avoid the balloons at the school disco?
On a typical Friday night I am
Occasional Friday nights I’m probably out with friends at the theatre/movies/dinner just having a good time. Most of my clubbing days are behind me (as I clubbed a lot!) but I can be found in the middle of the dance floor on special occasions.
Please Tweet #FindMintyAMan
Reblog it, pass it on!
Email it to your lovely London based/bound single friends.
Let’s find me at the very least a dinner date!
Follow the links below for my other internet dating posts
Single Redhead Seeks Man Without Fish http://wp.me/p3tJrr-b1
Whats In The FishTtank? http://wp.me/p3tJrr-al
Swimming With The Fishes http://wp.me/p3tJrr-9m
Where Are The Fish? http://wp.me/p3tJrr-9a
Okay so three weeks in and I am just so creeped out with Internet dating already. I’m yet to exchange emails with anyone and I haven’t met up with a single person! I’m ready already to throw in the towel.
What’s creeping me out?
Good question! Maybe I’ve been out of the dating game for too long and I’m overly sensitive. Perhaps I’m too shy and too scared to really put myself out there.
It could be a combination of all of the above however there are definitely a number of things putting me off clicking on peoples profiles.
Guys, guys, guys ……why? I hold my head in my hands in wonderment and possibly despair. Do you wonder why you are single and no woman ever responds to you eloquent wink wink messages? Seriously?
Really I mean what’s wrong with women, why are they not responding to Hardnutz, Cutiecum or Smackthat123?
We are not responding because the user name tells us a whole lot in an instance. I’m sorry but any way you slice it Cutiecum is just gross! Off putting and nasty. It says something about how you perceive and are likely to treat a woman. It says a lot about your intention!
And it is not at all as witty as you probably think it is.
So you cant be bothered to fill out your profile information. Apparently ‘ask me later’ is witty or maybe adds, in your mind, an air of irresistible mystery. However words like lazy, shady and ‘cant be arsed’ spring to mind. If you cant be bothered to fill it out with a few lines how can anyone get a feel for who you are as a person? Honestly that picture of you and a carp is just not enough for me.
Dude, why so negative? I’ve combed through profile after profile that has lines like ‘not into head games, agro’, ‘no times wasters or losers’ or ‘not on here to mess about’ wow! So not enticing at all.
Some guys sound down right nasty and aggressive! There are countless profiles which are mostly a list of things they don’t want. Being warned how not to behave by you in your profile blurb is a sure fire way to set alarm bells ringing in your female readers. As soon as I come across that kind of language I’m instantly turned off even if the guy is a David Beckham or a Denzel or a Cillian Murphy look a like. Game over dude as who wants to bring a negative person into their lives.
Lead with the positive guys.
“Honestly that picture of you and a carp is just not enough for me.”
What’s with all the fish? No I mean really? Profile picture after profile picture of guys holding up giant fish. Only God knows what kind of fish they are ………………………..and trust me, only God cares.
Women see …….Ugly bloody fish!
Your profile picture is supposed to entice women. Make them think you’re sexy, fun, attractive. That you’re the kind of guy they’d like to spend time with. Its not for a penis competition with the guys down the pub….. Look I’ve got one this big!
This could possibly be worse than the grappling with a Rottweiler pose. I see fish I think smelly, slimy, yucky.
Sorry guys but that’s the truth of the matter.
Follow the links below for my other internet dating posts
Whats in the fish tank? http://wp.me/p3tJrr-al
Swimming with the fishes http://wp.me/p3tJrr-9m
Where are the fish? http://wp.me/p3tJrr-9a
little stories I make up about the humans I stalk.
Is it better to have loved and lost?
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