Back to the Flame and the Bloody Fishes

I’m old fashioned.

There.

I’ve said it.

I was raised in a family where the men are the hunter gatherers, protectors of women and children, heavy bag carriers and garbage disposal machines. My Brothers build fires, chop wood, pay the bills, drive the cars and carry the suitcases.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not the little woman type. The women in our family are all educated, self-sufficient and can cut you the hell up with a sentence. But we are all full time workers, home makers, mothers and yet our men still open doors for us and carry our overnight bags.

In short we are wonder women.

Nigella Lawson in the Kitchen and Grace Jones in the bedroom types.

I like working. I love being a mother. I make my own bloody bread (less salt, less oil).

I still use the word courting!

This is, most probably, the reason why my internet dating exploits are so sparse.

I can not chase a man.

It goes against my core. The whole man/woman gender role thing still resonates with me. It’s not that I want to play games; it’s just that I expect to be asked out again by my date. I like a man who knows how to command a situation and sits at the head of the table.

I’ll repeat myself; I’m old school.

So here, at the end a month of getting to know MrJ, I politely bow out of the show.

So soon?

Yep so soon.

I figure if a man who I met for a first date hasn’t asked me out on a second, within a month, then he’s just not that into me (no I haven’t read the book nor seen the film).

Okay, why haven’t I asked him out? After all its 2014, equality and all that blah blah. Well as I said; I’m old fashioned yet despite that……………………………. I have asked him out.

If you don’t ask; you don’t get; if you ask and you don’t get – move on swiftly

(sagely advice from my dad)

S  e v e r a l  t i m e s.

Queue noncommittal noises.

I know myself and know that I really really like this guy and I’m really looking forward to seeing him again. With that in mind I’ve sucked it up and I’ve asked him out (something that doesn’t come easy to me) and got nowhere.

So clearly the eagerness is not reciprocated.

Now I could have waited, had a moan at him or lived in hope but I’m responsible for my own emotional happiness and safety. So I sent him a polite message (as we are yet to graduate to phone calls let alone Skype) explaining that whilst I really liked him it’s clear that I’m not the woman he ‘can’t wait to see again’ to use his own words and we should end things here before I become emotional involved.

At 45 (soon) I know what I want from life.

It is not a sms-message based relationship.

I’m not going to fall in love with someone via Viber or BBM or what’sapp. I’ll leave that to the teenagers. It’s not reflective of real day to day living in all its gory glory.

It’s not slipping your hand across someone’s back or resting your head on a shoulder. You can’t see the little gestures that set someone aside as special in your eyes, learn to live with the bits you don’t like.

Ultimately it’s not completely real.

However you can still get emotionally tangled via that route only to find it does not come together when you’re face to face. It so much easier to write than it is to stand in front of someone and speak.  Body language counts for so much to me.

There are many things I’d already like to do and experience with MrJ. Starting with the concert (I bought us tickets for one of my favorite artists in an amazing intimate venue), marathon movie days and all day Sunday lie-ins. Just average normal things to do that are more enjoyable when shared with someone you want to be around and to get to know better. I’ll be very disappointed to go to the concert without him but shouldn’t have any trouble acquiring an escort for the evening.

A month is all I can give to a message Ping-Pong relationship despite distance or commitments.

After all if, as a single mother working 40 hours a week, I can find the time or attempt make arrangements to see him; I can’t, for a moment, fathom why someone who works the same amount of hours could not reciprocate the gesture.

Now don’t get me wrong because I don’t want to hear one negative word about MrJ.

He is lovely, intelligent, well spoken, sexy and feisty. A great combination of all those things and very much the kind of guy I was looking for. I will certainly miss ‘chatting’ to him.

But the reality is…….

He’s just not that interested in me.

And I am no ones back up option.

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