ALL CHANGE PLEASE!

change

And so it has come to pass that nothing will come to pass.

Nut and I have had ‘the’ conversation. I’ve come to understand that he is still healing and not ready to move from grieving just yet.

Though I know that if I were the one to fire his senses as he has fired mine the story would be different.

I felt a fine sliver of a knife slide through me that I cannot say was totally unexpected. Tears were a welcome relief. I knew from the moment I realised that I had feelings that they were coming.

A brilliant thunder storm, lightening and lashings of rain fell all night as if my sadness were being swept across London washing all my feelings into every nook and cranny. I stared out at the darkness for hours assessing my feelings and working out how to move forward with the friendship.

I had hoped.

Sadness is my companion today. It will be for a while. I want it to be. To be reminded that love is more than what it used to be, when it was all wanting/consuming/selfish/desperate/exclusive. Not all love comes to the idealistic fruition.

And I am happy that I can feel and take chances and hope and love again.

I understand the wilderness he is roaming in post break up, the loss, the pain. When you’ve poured everything you have and everything you are into a relationship and then lost it; lost yourself you get stuck in a state of limbo. Looking back at how good it used to be, how bad it became and with hope, futile hope that something could be redeemed.

I hope he heals. I hope the pain lifts and happiness settles where it once was.

I too looked backwards for a long time. My heart broken and my spirit crushed; I had wounds that stayed open and weeping for years. My life began to pass by me. It was disabling and hard but doesn’t last forever if you don’t let it. I woke up one morning years later and decided that I would start laughing and living and loving again. It never left completely but I manage it now, it does not manage me.

I am lucky. I still believed in love. Bitterness left me and I am open to happiness.

Friends came and I loved them and they unknowingly lifted me and bought trust back into my life.

When hope dies a little light goes out and it takes me time to adjust my eyes.

Here I am again; that light went out last night. I stumbled for a few hours. Feeling blindly around in the darkness, salty cheeked.

But my cup is half full.

I will mourn hope.

It will grow somewhere else again in the near future. Of this I’m sure.

When I count my blessings; Nut is one

He is a good and loving friend and I’m fortunate to have him as one and he I.

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11 thoughts on “ALL CHANGE PLEASE!

  1. 4valentines4words4poetry4you

    these words speak volumes of hearts sadness tears and pain in time life will heal and happiness will come again as darkness of the past clouds and sunshine returns once again
    as smile comes your way and love visits your life once again .
    your writing is beautiful i enjoyed reading this and understand how you feel ive had awfull sadness this year myself too .
    keep smiling have a beautiful day
    your heart will one day start singing with love again

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      Thank you for your lovely kind words.

      I am numb all the way through at the moment. And today I am slightly angry with myself for feeling so deeply which I know is not right.
      Fortunately Nut (I believe) does not know that I write or blogg least I add embarassed too the heap of feelings too!
      It will all pass.

      Reply
      1. 4valentines4words4poetry4you

        writing my friend is good way to let the feelings out and to heal i did it myself back in april this years when my heart was full of shock and my eyes full of tears when my life felt worthless and with feelings of despair i paced up and down and didnt sleep felt the world didnt care care then i prayed and asked for help and our lord to guide me
        and started writing once again my poetry my feeling came out my body started feeling this was a test and someone somehow there was something better for me someone more special someone indeed i joined a dateing site and moved forward fast and started to believe .

        you can do this to my friend
        keep smiling each day
        one step at a time
        little bye little it will go away
        you can do this
        remember your special
        in life as we all are indeed
        i know how you feel
        take a good luck at your self
        take a good look indeed
        look at your good qualities
        and grab the bull by the horns
        and take each opportunity
        which comes your way
        you will come back out fighting
        and life will once again feel rosey
        your smile will light up your beautiful personality
        your face will be grinning from cheek to cheek

        i hope this helps my friend dont let anyone every hurt you again

        Reply
            1. Minty Post author

              Oh No! Crying is a positive thing for me. Something other than numbness…………..
              Your kind words made me feel understood. xoxox

              Reply
              1. 4valentines4words4poetry4you

                you are understood keep smiling my dear
                have warm hug and share your tears
                and let sadness wash away
                and let me bring a smile to your face today
                open up your heart and your feelings sing
                let go off the past and lets start the healing
                as you are special and you have feelings.

                today is future yesterday is past
                tomorrow is start of bright new day
                where you start to feel better after today

                this where where is awaiting you
                to see you smile and laugh again

                to see you reach out to stars and shine with them too
                as you will be glowing brightly after today

                as this is start of new life new you
                reach out and grab it make your wishes
                and your dreams can come true
                smile brightly and world will smile too
                as you are special and life is waiting for you
                now go out there and take every opportunity
                thats come s your way and smile with every step you take

  2. Katya

    I have been following your story with Nut. I read, transfixed. You write so eloquently. Keep ’em coming! – K

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      Aw thanks Katya. I think our exsisting friendship will survive but as for anything more there is no hope 😦
      So i’m now all about managing my feelings and my poems all reflect that at the moment.

      Reply

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