And so it has come to pass that nothing will come to pass.
Nut and I have had ‘the’ conversation. I’ve come to understand that he is still healing and not ready to move from grieving just yet.
Though I know that if I were the one to fire his senses as he has fired mine the story would be different.
I felt a fine sliver of a knife slide through me that I cannot say was totally unexpected. Tears were a welcome relief. I knew from the moment I realised that I had feelings that they were coming.
A brilliant thunder storm, lightening and lashings of rain fell all night as if my sadness were being swept across London washing all my feelings into every nook and cranny. I stared out at the darkness for hours assessing my feelings and working out how to move forward with the friendship.
I had hoped.
Sadness is my companion today. It will be for a while. I want it to be. To be reminded that love is more than what it used to be, when it was all wanting/consuming/selfish/desperate/exclusive. Not all love comes to the idealistic fruition.
And I am happy that I can feel and take chances and hope and love again.
I understand the wilderness he is roaming in post break up, the loss, the pain. When you’ve poured everything you have and everything you are into a relationship and then lost it; lost yourself you get stuck in a state of limbo. Looking back at how good it used to be, how bad it became and with hope, futile hope that something could be redeemed.
I hope he heals. I hope the pain lifts and happiness settles where it once was.
I too looked backwards for a long time. My heart broken and my spirit crushed; I had wounds that stayed open and weeping for years. My life began to pass by me. It was disabling and hard but doesn’t last forever if you don’t let it. I woke up one morning years later and decided that I would start laughing and living and loving again. It never left completely but I manage it now, it does not manage me.
I am lucky. I still believed in love. Bitterness left me and I am open to happiness.
Friends came and I loved them and they unknowingly lifted me and bought trust back into my life.
When hope dies a little light goes out and it takes me time to adjust my eyes.
Here I am again; that light went out last night. I stumbled for a few hours. Feeling blindly around in the darkness, salty cheeked.
But my cup is half full.
I will mourn hope.
It will grow somewhere else again in the near future. Of this I’m sure.
When I count my blessings; Nut is one
He is a good and loving friend and I’m fortunate to have him as one and he I.