The Buses Are Lined Up

Not sure where I'm going Dad.

Not sure where I’m going Dad.

I woke up feeling quite sad this morning. I guess it’s because there’s a bit of unrequited feelings going on for me at the moment.

I’m in a weird situation when it comes to the men in my life and there are a couple of things going on;

I have no feelings for a guy who has declared his love for me.

Another declares his love but is not free to do so. (Yep that’d be Bobby)

As does a third (Mr P)

I have just acknowledged the feelings I have for a guy (Nut) who is a friend and is oblivious to come-ons. I gently gave him a heads up at the weekend and he seems to be speechless. I’m guessing that it’s either because Nut does not know his own worth and therefore is surprised that I think of him that way or he is desperately trying to figure out how to say he does not reciprocate my interest without upsetting me.

Suffice to say I’m not sleeping well. And I can’t blame it on the heat.

I don’t really do unrequited stuff, I just tend to put it down to a foolish crush and get over it fast. I am guilty of moving on too quickly and not commiting mostly because I dont want drama. I love my life the way it is. I’m happy.

But in this instance Nut has grown on me, kind of like a vine, up and around me, snaking around my ankles, under my arms and around my back until a hug on a gin flavoured Saturday night was an explosion of scent and longing.

Photo by syed-man.blogspot.com

Photo by syed-man.blogspot.com

A hug that was a holy crap moment, a ‘kiss me’ moment………………. An ‘I’m in something here’ revelation!

I have known Nut for almost 20 years. He entered my life as a friend of my brothers and his sister is a really close friend of mine. (She thinks we are perfect for each other.) It is for this reason that when I told him of my growing feelings I immediately diluted, dismissed and disassembled them by saying that he did not need to respond or action them just to understand that I will not be spending 1 on 1 time with him in the future so as to quell such thoughts. I hate the idea of complicating friendships and jeopardising all the things our families do together.

But on the other hand we are both in our forties, single and looking for someone to be with and to enjoy a relationship with.

And if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Nut makes me laugh; he has a twisted sense of humour that I get. He is gentle but strong. He is a bit moody at times, I figure a bit stubborn and he can definitely be a bit pissy but he is a good man. He has a good moral compass and is a great father to his adorable kids. He is my friend and I trust him. We spent long nights a few years ago talking and supporting each other through his divorce and my break up. He is an enhancement to the day when I see him or speak with him.

I find I feel fluid and soft around him. I want to lean over and touch him without restriction. When he stares right into my eyes with a question or one of our ‘in’ jokes I can hold his gaze and grin.

The more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him.

So since Sunday night I’ve not slept well wondering whether I did the right thing in telling him.

Will he ever speak to me again?

Time will tell as every Sunday night for the past 6 weeks we’ve watch a TV show together from the comfort of our respective houses and messaged each other running commentary though out. We laugh a lot and I look forward to that time of the week (and if truth be told would rather be watching it from the same sofa!)

So I am resolved to say no more as the ball is now firmly in his court. It’s his serve.

I only hope that he affords me the honesty I afforded him and if he is not interested he says so

Alternatively I really enjoy French food Nut

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One thought on “The Buses Are Lined Up

  1. Minty Post author

    Gosh I just read through this again. It’s made me feel even sadder! It will pass though, it will.

    Reply

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