Monthly Archives: July 2013

A Shift

A shift imperceptibly
Loosened a tongue
Feelings roamed free
A chance, a risk
A flirtation
Baited breath
Reservations
Side glance and re-view
The boundaries
Tactile
Frequent exchanges

Wade through the sea
Of ought to
Assumptions
Of what ifs and maybes
Only the lonely
Can contribute
On the rightness
Or complexity
Of friendship
To lover

Unrequited Love: William Wordsworth

Awww love this!

Ratiocinativa

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There is a change—and I am poor;
Your love hath been, nor long ago,
A fountain at my fond heart’s door,
Whose only business was to flow;
And flow it did; not taking heed
Of its own bounty, or my need.

What happy moments did I count!
Blest was I then all bliss above!
Now, for that consecrated fount
Of murmuring, sparkling, living love,
What have I? shall I dare to tell?
A comfortless and hidden well.

A well of love—it may be deep—
I trust it is,—and never dry:
What matter? if the waters sleep
In silence and obscurity.
—Such change, and at the very door
Of my fond heart, hath made me poor.

William Wordsworth

A Complaint
The image is copyright: Wolna via Shutterstock

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The Meeting

The pinstripe peacock struts past the melamine plane
Posturing gallantly, displaying digital weapons of superiority
Laser display pointer tucked under the breast.

I the sparrow, observe rituals of the cocks from the outside
Disallowed from the inner pen
With the weight of the task of the nest build in hand
Coo appropriately and ensure my supply

ALL CHANGE PLEASE!

change

And so it has come to pass that nothing will come to pass.

Nut and I have had ‘the’ conversation. I’ve come to understand that he is still healing and not ready to move from grieving just yet.

Though I know that if I were the one to fire his senses as he has fired mine the story would be different.

I felt a fine sliver of a knife slide through me that I cannot say was totally unexpected. Tears were a welcome relief. I knew from the moment I realised that I had feelings that they were coming.

A brilliant thunder storm, lightening and lashings of rain fell all night as if my sadness were being swept across London washing all my feelings into every nook and cranny. I stared out at the darkness for hours assessing my feelings and working out how to move forward with the friendship.

I had hoped.

Sadness is my companion today. It will be for a while. I want it to be. To be reminded that love is more than what it used to be, when it was all wanting/consuming/selfish/desperate/exclusive. Not all love comes to the idealistic fruition.

And I am happy that I can feel and take chances and hope and love again.

I understand the wilderness he is roaming in post break up, the loss, the pain. When you’ve poured everything you have and everything you are into a relationship and then lost it; lost yourself you get stuck in a state of limbo. Looking back at how good it used to be, how bad it became and with hope, futile hope that something could be redeemed.

I hope he heals. I hope the pain lifts and happiness settles where it once was.

I too looked backwards for a long time. My heart broken and my spirit crushed; I had wounds that stayed open and weeping for years. My life began to pass by me. It was disabling and hard but doesn’t last forever if you don’t let it. I woke up one morning years later and decided that I would start laughing and living and loving again. It never left completely but I manage it now, it does not manage me.

I am lucky. I still believed in love. Bitterness left me and I am open to happiness.

Friends came and I loved them and they unknowingly lifted me and bought trust back into my life.

When hope dies a little light goes out and it takes me time to adjust my eyes.

Here I am again; that light went out last night. I stumbled for a few hours. Feeling blindly around in the darkness, salty cheeked.

But my cup is half full.

I will mourn hope.

It will grow somewhere else again in the near future. Of this I’m sure.

When I count my blessings; Nut is one

He is a good and loving friend and I’m fortunate to have him as one and he I.