McDad; Still an abuser

Firstly let me start by issuing you a warning;

If you are offended by foul language please do not read this post.

I’ve decided to write the follow up to yesterday’s post ‘McDad; The Bully’. It essentially the interaction that took place yesterday which prompted the first in what may well become the McDad series.

One of my abusers methods was to keep me silent and separated from friends and family. He did this to some extent to his siblings who feel they have to be loyal. So relationships could not be formed and he could behave as he pleased. In his current relationship, whilst I can not say whether he has been violent to his partner he has certainly encouraged separation between her, his family, his daughter and me; he has repeated this pattern.

If one woman, or man, who is currently living through the hell and torture of domestic violence finds some strength, comfort or avenue to express themselves because of my posts I will have achieved something. And I am here if you want a let your experience out. Message me and I will listen.

domviol

Please bear in mind that the last time I was in the same space as McDad or spoke to him was on December 18th 2012 also at a school event.

I have in that time sent him 2 emails asking whats happening with his payments.

No build up. Let’s get straight to the incident.

Yesterday was my daughters, Inny, class’s turn to present the school assembly. It was based on Africa, mostly water purification. She put a great deal of effort into remembering the lines that she had been given, learning the songs and collecting all the African out fits she owned so that other children were dressed the part. She managed to rustle up 10 outfits and I found something suitable for her teacher too!

They all looked fabulous, sang beautifully and delivered their lines with humor.
I arrived on time and took my seat in the front row.

She had invited McDad who arrived with his mother, affectionately known in our house as ‘Super-gran’, 5 minutes into the performance.

Once the performance was over the rest of the school filed out leaving the 30 performers, their parents and a few teachers to mingle and take pictures. Which we all did.

Super-gran took the opportunity to say hi to a few other parents that she had not seen in a while and Inny was running round the hall with her brightly dressed friends.

I approached McDad and this is the conversation that followed;

Hi, can I have a quick word

WHAT (aggravated)

What’s happening with maintenance money? McDad has not contributed anything in 2013 so far.

WHAT THE FUCK! I TOLD YOU I DONT HAVE A JOB!

(Fact; he has not told me this. His last communication regarding money was in November 2012 when he said he was having an issue with a supplier)

Okay so you don’t have a job but you should still communicate and keep me updated.

‘WHAT! WHEN I CALL YOUR PHONE DO YOU ANSWER?!’

McDad 9 times out of 10 when you call Inny snatches up the phone and you have a quick conversation, you have never ever asked her to give the phone to me so that you can have a word.

ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, DO YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?

grabface

Have you ever asked to speak to me?

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU CALL ME?

I don’t think that I should have to chase you for anything; I’m bringing her up single handed and pay for everything for our child. It is not my responsibility to chase you around to do your part.

YOU FUCKING FAT FUCKING CUNT! LOOK AT YOU, YOU FAT BITCH! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!

I’m the responsible parent (monotone) not the absent McDonalds dad.

AND WHAT! FUCKING FAT CUNT. YOURE ALONE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE, ALL MY FAMILY HATES YOU, EVERYONE HATES YOU, YOURE GOING TO DIE ALONE. I TEACH MY DAUGHTER ABOUT FAMILY AND ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. WHAT ARE YOU BUT A FAT CUNT BITCH? YOU’LL DIE LONELY. I’M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP.

I moved some steps back and he fronted up to me pushing me with his chest and leaning down to whisper in my ear. I’m 5’ 6’’ and he is 6 foot. He was pacing away from me in a circle coming back and hissing obscenities down on me through clenched teeth.

DIE BITCH

I’m no saint and can be passive aggressive so I smiled

These things don’t hurt me the way they used too. Why would they coming from a 3 times convicted criminal who does not provide for his child and can’t hold a job? There’s nothing you can say anymore. I’m just asking you to provide for your child

Then I walked away and went over to his mother. I told her that I was no longer going to have this man anywhere near me or my daughter ever again.

She pulled me in to a corner and I explained what was going on. He then came over and grabbed hold of his mothers’ elbow and tried to pull her towards the door. I asked him to let go of her to which he replied

FUCK OFF YOU FAT BITCH!

As all of this was going on children were running round the hall, parents taking photos. One woman even walked between us as I was moving away from him and her face was a vision of shock at the things he was saying.

I have no doubt in my mind that if we had been out on the street he would have punched me out.

His mother was shocked to say the least. I have told her in the past of his violence but she had never truly witnessed it. She pushed him out of the hall and led me out into the playground.

She was distressed to say the least and we talked for some time then I made my way home.

She called me later to say that when he had calmed down he asked her to drive to pick him up and to bring him over to my home to that we could ‘talk’. She refused.

She came over later in the evening and asked if she could bring him over on Sunday to talk.

I am very clear that I never want him in my home again. I don’t want him near my child ever again.

What has this man got to teach my child?

He is an abuser.

He is violent, verbally, emotionally and physically.

How much longer before he starts to display aggressive behavior to my daughter who approaching the difficult pre-teen years?

As he was strutting around the hall like some caged raging beast with nearly no self-control I asked myself if this man has a mental health problem?

Does he readers?

Or is thinking that letting him off lightly?

Am I wrong to stop her going too Super-Grans for the odd weekend? If I allow her to go there he will turn up and bully his mother into letting him take her out.

I have endured 10 years of intermittent abuse down the phone or his horrible emotional abusive logic. I’ve allowed him to attend birthday parties in my home and after episodes of this kind of behavior have not turned him away. All for the sake of my child being able to maintain a relationship with this man.

When what I should have done was sign the injunction papers that fateful day 10 years I go and ensured that if he came any where near us again he was arrested on the spot.

Certainly this man will not change.

Update; I was advised by my solicitor and a close friend who works with children and family social care to report this incident to the police. I thought it was too late to do that but they both said that it was never too late and for my own protection. I did that yesterday the police were very helpful. The officer asked me to call them if he comes anywhere near me and my children what so ever. It like a weight off my shoulders.

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “McDad; Still an abuser

  1. apoetic1

    He needs help. Let Super-Gran come over and visit her in your home, but keep him away until you have proof he has changed. Abusive fathers can leave irreparable damage, moreso emotionally than physically. That senseless display makes it clear he is nowhere near qualified nor deserves the privilege of participating in your lives in any way, particularly since he no longer even contributes to her care. Enact that restraining order, as his publicly violent tendencies have been made known, and amongst children at school of all places. I am also a single mom who had to leave an abusive marriage (more emotional than physical overall). Don’t ever let your daughter perceive that this type of behavior from a man, friend, boyfriend or husband is in any way acceptable. As a pre-teen, she’ll have enough struggles with self-worth and hormones and the such. Be strong and think of her protection, her heart and her worth first. Those are my thoughts…

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      Thank you for thinking about my situation and taking the time to write to me. I appreciate it.

      Super-gran is always welcome at our place but in truth she wants her to stay over at hers. She did say that i should just soldier on as on as kids always know the truth in the end. She means well but does not really want to believe this is her sons true nature.

      I am fortunate that i have 3 brothers who are true models of men. Providing for their families and always treating all the women in their lives with love and respect. They care and tend my daughters with much love and affection and my youngest (single)brother who works at sea spends his whole shore leave living with us giving my little one extra maths support, teaching her to ride bikes, garden and they do a whole heap of experimental cooking!

      Chuck into the mix my 2 wonderful cousins, my dad and step dad and its apparent that my girls are not short of positive male role models.

      Reply
  2. His Wife

    It sounds like your ex gets off on trying to install fear. My ex was like that and my current husband is the same. These men do not understand that after a while, you become numb. It doesn’t phase us. The less we react, the more angry they get. I’ve become complacent, but not a push over. Assertive but not a bully. My self esteem has returned and my husband HATES that. Unfortunately none of these men will ever change and will just go on to the next “victim”. They use their kids to get back at the woman. Been there. It sucks.. The good thing is you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you see his real intentions beyond just to be an asshole. Good luck. I think sometimes it worse, dealing with these men after, when tye try to use the kids as weapons.

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      Wife of a douchbag! Excellent blog name!
      You’re so right. He wants me to be afraid, to feel less than I am.
      But I see him for what he is now and (you’re right) it drives him crazy.

      Reply
  3. be2beme

    Holy Cow! He behaves like a monster. I have to hand it to you for remaining calm. It’s a miracle that you have such a sweet and gentle child from this man. I’m so sorry that you experienced that violence. Even when you might feel like you don’t want to raise a fuss (because you’ve experienced it before), it’s a good thing to take the advice and report these awful scenes. Not doing so may give the impression that it was no big deal, which it certainly was. If a stranger spoke to you this way and threatened you this way, you would certainly call the authorities.
    Especially with girls, I think you have to be watchful of any interactions between them an unpredictable abusive men. If he begins to see your traits in this girl, you’d want to head off any type of abusive behavior. I’m very sorry you had to go through this and trust you are a strong woman and recognize this venom for what it is.

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      You are absolutely right! If a stranger or someone at work had spoken to me that way i would not have hesitated to report it too the police for a single second! and there would have been less at stake e.g. the safety of my kid.

      I hope she never for a single second looks at her father as a potential type for a mate in the future nor as any kind of role model! Fortunately she has my brothers (as you know) to look up to. Not perfect but a thousand times more appropriate, caring and mature.

      I do recognize that most of what comes out of his mouth is manipulative crap and a whole heap of lies. He lies to everyone, including himself! He’s vindictive and nasty!

      I received word from the CPS (criminal prosecution services) that they wont be taking the case any further. I expected this as it was always going to be a ‘his word against mine’ situation. However I will continue to report him if he is abusive again…………… every single time!

      On the up side this counts against his character should he be aggressive towards myself or anyone else in the future which, lets face it, is the not too distant future. He is beyond reach and only he can help himself now.

      Its tragic to see someone who had such a bright future drag himself into the gutter; destroy all his relationships with family and his child. Incapable of holding down employment. Its a form of madness for sure.

      Reply
      1. be2beme

        Hey Minty,

        It is tragic to see someone on a collision course but like you say, you have bigger fish (or quite petite) to fry. It’s very lucky that your daughter has good men in her life who are not the least bit violent and in fact abhor violence. I’m sure it has weight. Frankly, all the other men in her life, young and old are non-violent and respectful of women. I’m sure it matters. She also has strong women role models and that is crucial.

        Reply
  4. Noble

    I went out with such an idiot when I was 18. He was 32 about 6.4 and a huge and I mean huge man with 2 children. Exactly. There are various psychological and emotional reasons as to why young girls date in these situations including very low self esteem, neglectful homes and abusive and distant parents etc. Or simple naivety.
    I know for a fact that despite these sort of men appearing charming, sensitive or buying you things or what ever; they always manifest or show evidence of their true nature whether it is subtly or blatantly in the beginning.
    I didn’t really care about him at all though. I was lonely. He was from an abusive family (his sisters brutalized him and he grew in a terrible estate). We grated on each other and he was demeaning. One day I just got fed up with him, wanted to see how he would feel treated the same way. And I deliberately wrote him a really dehumanizing letter then I hid to see how he would react when he read it.
    Later on after some time I visited him again. One day he hit me in the car and told me get out on a high way and threw a bottle at me and he drove off. I had no money and the train was £30. I burst into tears and the guards let me off – it was so embarrassing. Anyway – the worse thing this coward would say is: ‘if you grass me up or do anything I won’t go to you I will go to your MUM’, – because he had seen where I lived. That was the basis of his integrity.
    One day he sent me a gift through his friend to my mums for me and I basically told him to get lost and that he shouldn’t even be coming here. Then he would phone me and tell me I was lying to even say I was good enough to have a job which is why I was unavailable to answer his phone calls. He use to abuse and kick his babies mother down the stairs because she ‘deserved it’. And his child support was buying them ‘new trainers.’ You see what I mean. In my opinion the only way for these kind of men to be dealt with is to either receive salvation and repent for mercy. Get thrown into jail and become remorseful and genuinely say sorry and turn around. Or because I fear God and the law I would just take the matter into my own hands and deal with them myself.
    They can’t deal with someone telling them the truth about themselves and the only thing they can do is commit violence which would make me want to be violent towards them and when they don’t expect it.
    I really do sympathize. But with the girls who are seriously abused the implication is that once you make a blood and physical bond and covenant through sex you do become ‘one flesh’ which makes it very difficult to leave the abuser because of this bond. That it what most people don’t understand about not be able to leave them.
    Women or men, just need to run away with high speed at the first glance of obsession, jealously anger and possessiveness. Otherwise they are doomed.

    Reply
    1. Minty Post author

      Thanks for stopping by to comment. I’m sorry to hear that you also experienced some abuse at the hands of a partner. The sad statistics are that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic emotional or physical abuse on their life time.

      I’m glad that you seem to have been able to move on but would not ever recommend violence as a response to an abusive partner.

      I’m not sure I agree with your opinion on the ‘sexual bond’. Certainly for me my inability to leave sooner was because I was very afraid for my physical well being for for my children’s safety.

      Reply

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this......please leave a few lines..

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s